I've got a weak heart

Lots on my mind right now. No job. No money. There is always They Might Be Giants.

Yep. That's torn it.

I saw this link on Facebook. Now I don't feel well:

freegabe.com

That's enough already

I'm sick of the fickle virtual zeitgeist surrounding social networking sites. It started with Friendster where everybody and their mother signed up to stalk ex-high school girlfriends in peace. Then, when the public decided not to swing with that hero anymore, they migrated to MySpace, which became a virus-ridden nightmare. And now we're at Facebook. But what's the point? As a veteran of these time-wasting atrocities, I find it a little tiresome to have to construct yet another profile for the latest craze that purports to connect "us" (I flirted with putting quotes around "connecting" there, but there's no doubt we're being "connected." It's the "us" part I'm a little wary about. I mean, who ARE these people?). None of these sites are permanent. The term "flash in the pan" refers to the glitzy yet ultimately unsatisfying explosion of gunpowder in an ol' timey musket. And it seems these networking sites are nothing more than a series of giddy, meaningless reports from some well-intentioned yet woefully naive pistol.

And the irony is that, eventually, these sites implement additional communication features. Like chat. Online chat (and now video chat, Gmail!). So, in order to REALLY interact with someone you have to go that extra mile and exchange words with them? Well what do you know? Could we maybe pick up a phone and talk to someone? Or better yet, if they're in the same fucking town, how about paying them a visit? I realize that this scenario doesn't give you much of an opportunity to use internet slang (unless you want to get stabbed in the thigh), but hey, who knows, you may actually communicate something.

And one other thing

I've been reading (I know that's ill-advised) message board postings that are slamming Obama and declaring his election the end of the world. Oh, you backwards cocksuckers. My favorite was "socialism didn't exactly work for the USSR, did it?" First of all, stupid, that was Communism and no one is asking you stand in line for three hours for cheese and toilet paper. The same poster went so far as to say that "the blacks have taken over" and we're all doomed because hey, look at the state of Africa. Ohhhhhh, right. Africa. A continent that struggles everyday with rocky, makeshift governments and TRIBES. They have TRIBAL WARFARE, you ridiculous, racist shithead. When's the last time you saw a TRIBE running around America? Indian tribes? Yeah, there aren't a whole shitload of those roaming the plains anymore, right? Because we fucking killed them all. Stop making sociopolitical references you don't understand.

Obamanation

I'm rarely moved to any sort of hope or optimism, especially when it comes to this incredibly insincere country we live in, but the election of Mr. Obama as president carries with it the possibility, however slight, that America is actually ready to progress as a nation, a concept. In an economy and culture as selfish as ours, it's no surprise that most Americans are scared shitless of change. But I'd have to ask those same Americans that if one's quality of life is already abysmal, what could you possibly lose on taking a chance with a man who really, honestly seems hellbent on turning this country around?

George Carlin once labeled the citizens of this country as "selfish, ignorant Americans." And that is, unfortunately, an accurate description of our people. We can't afford to be that way anymore. What we've all failed to see is that by helping each other, we help ourselves and, in turn, our nation. Take, for instance, health care. The argument goes "Why should I throw money into a system that pays for the well-being of deadbeats and poor people?" Well, that may be true for some, but I work my ass off every day and I don't have adequate health care. In fact, a recent article in the New Yorker paints a pretty dismal picture of how lack of decent health insurance was a major catalyst in the upsurge of home foreclosures. People couldn't pay their medical bills and they lost their HOMES. And when people lose their homes, the market suffers. And when the market suffers, YOU suffer. Everything and everyone is wonderfully and fatally interconnected. We've forgotten that in this country. The simple act of looking out for one another IS looking out for ourselves.

I think Obama understands this.

Las Vegas

Somewhere in the long and irksome history of assholes, Las Vegas was deemed the ultimate city to visit if you're a real man, MAN! You can gamble, MAN! It's Sin City, MAN! Ironically, the same flashy allure that coaxes every frat boy in the country to flock to the middle of the desert to "have fun" also attracts the elderly. It's the same group of old people who have organized bus trips to Atlantic City in the interest of making it big just in time for their sudden deaths. So, it's actually pretty interesting to hang around an airport loaded with date rapists and mummies.

That being said, I've been thinking a lot about criticism. After watching Jamie Kennedy's surprisingly good documentary called Heckler, I'm realizing more and more that criticism, for the most part, is a necessary facet of the creative process, but it's also an easy haven for those of us who don't actually DO anything. As much as I bitch and moan about Dane Cook, who am I to judge? He's popular and successful. I am neither of those things. It's incredibly easy to rip someone apart if you haven't actually done the work they do. It really is time to stop complaining and start doing.

And THAT being said, I still hate Vegas. It's a fucking abomination. Slot machines in the airport? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. We get it, there's gambling in Las Vegas.

Format Test Now I'm trying

Format Test

Now I'm trying to work out the format. Let's see if this works.

This is a test of

This is a test of the new mobile blog from my li'l phone. It's like some sort of magic. Also, Gunner sucks.

Enough.

Look, I love jokes. I make jokes every second of every day because I'm incapable of dealing seriously with my life. But the Sarah Palin shit has to stop. Political satire is a tried and true American right and tradition, but making fun of Sarah Palin is counterproductive. She is a dangerously incompetent leader of a practically secessionist state. Making ironic dolls of her isn't helping. Because most of America don't get irony, folks. I'd love to go to every Williamsburg Halloween party and smack each Sarah Palin-costumed dummy in the face, partly because of how trite they're being but mostly because WE DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW. Contributing to the campaign cuteness of a right-wing nutjob is only fueling a fire that is already ablaze with lies about Obama being a Muslim and a terrorist. Sarah Palin needs to be seen as less of a joke and more of a threat.

Also, McCain has the ol' Popeye chin. Don't make a doll of that. Please.

I watch you all the time

I'll bet you drove the little boys wild

Every now and again, this song pops into my head. At long last, I looked it up.

Occupational Hazards

Dear prospective employer,

I understand that it is the fashion nowadays to Google a potential employee's name and perform what amounts to a virtual background check. Fair enough. However, I also know that is the fashion nowadays for most people not to get jokes. In fact, most things done in humor have to be explained lest anyone be offended.

I therefore offer this explanation of this blog's content: it's a joke, stupid.

Now stop looking me up on Facebook and get to work.


Yours,

Gabe

I put the twit in Twitter

Silvasurfer @ BossOfYou I'm told I have to go about an hour ago from NYjail.gov

Silvasurfer @ BossOfYou Again, my sincerest apologies for any damage I may have caused in last night's incident. My only hope is about an hour ago from NYjail.gov

Silvasurfer I'M BCK MOFOS!!!! YOU cnt FRIE me I FIRE uuuuuuuu 5:26 AM from PharmaCom.net

Silvasurfer @ BossOfYou oh you aksed fr it Phil 3:52 AM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer that day is done 2:47 AM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer give a shit 1:33 AM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer i c 1:33 AM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer happened?,. 1:32 AM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer what happened? I mean, what 1:32 AM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer LOLLLLL!!!! HAHHA!!! 9:45 PM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer LOL! WASSUP, INTERWEBZ?! 9:05 PM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer looking for answers at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. 7:43 PM from FreeWeb.net

Silvasurfer doesn't need this place. 5:33 PM from mobile device

Silvasurfer @ BossOfYou I apologize for any undue sense of familiarity and will have my desk cleared post haste. 5:15 PM from PharmaCom.net

Silvasurfer @ BossOfYou Phil, what is UP with this, man? I thought we was Coo De La? 5:13 PM from PharmaCom.net

Silvasurfer thinks he might've lost his job. WTF? 5:12 PM from PharmaCom.net

Silvasurfer just got a rather curious email! :( 4:56 PM from PharmaCom.net

Silvasurfer is PSYCHED for the weekend!!! 3:23 PM from PharmaCom.net

Silvasurfer is that cat's pajamas, LOL! 9:56 AM from PharmaCom.net

Shimmy shimmy coco pop

On Irving Place, awaiting an audition slot, I watched some black teenage boys ogling some black teenage girls playing Double Dutch. The girls gracefully jumped in between the spiraling ropes and skipped joyfully to the rhythm of clapping hands. Every now and again, a boy would infuse himself into the whirling twine and bring everything to a jarring stop. Laughter all around. I then turned around to the library display case behind me and saw this:



Fitting.

We be to rap what key be to lock

Happy Friday:


We like the breeze flow straight out of our lids
Them they got moved by these hard rock Brooklyn kids
Us flow a rush when the DJ's boomin classics
You dig the crew on the fattest hip hop records
He touch the kinks and sinks into the sounds
She frequents the fatter joints called undergrounds
Our funk zooms like you hit the Mary Jane
They flock to booms man boogie had to change
Who freaks the clips with mad amount percussion
Where kinky hair goes to unthought-of dimensions
Why's it so fly cause hip hop kept some drama
When Butterfly rocked his light blue-suede Pumas
What by the cut we push it off the corner
How was the buzz entire hip hop era?
Was fresh and fat since they started sayin audi
Cause funks made fat from right beneath my hoodie
The puba of the styles like miles and shit
Like sixties funky worms with waves and perms
Just sendin chunky rhythms right down ya block
We be to rap what key be to lock
But
I'm cool like dat [x7]
I'm cool...I'm cool...
[Ladybug]
We be the chocolates taps on my raps
innovates at the sweeta cat naps
He at the funk club with the vibrate
Them they be crazy down with the ?five plate?
It can kick a plan then a crowd burst
Me I be diggin it with s bump verse
Us we be freakin til dawn blinks an eye
He gives the strangest smile so I say hi (wassup)
Who understood yeah understood the plan
Him heard a beat and put it to his hands
What I just flip let borders get loose
How to consume or they'll be just like juice
If its the shit we'll lift it off the plastic
The babes'll go spastic
Hip hop gains a classic
Pimp playin shock it dont matter I'm fatter
Ax Butta how I zone (man Cleopatra Jones)
And
I'm chill like dat [x7]
I'm chill...I'm chill...
[All]
Blink..blink..blink..blink..blink..blink..blink....
Think..think..think..think..think..think..think...
[Doodlebug]
We get ya free cause the clips be fat boss
Them they're the jams and commence to goin off
She sweats the beat and ask me cause she puffed it
Me I got crew kids seven and a crescent
Us cause a buzz when the nickel bags are dealt
Him thats my man with the asteroid belt
They catch a fizz from the Mr. Doodle-big
He rocks a tee from the Crooklyn non-pigs
The rebirth of slick like my gangsta stroll
The lyrics just like loot come in stacks and rolls
You used to find a bug in a box with fade
Now he boogies up your stage plaits twist or braids
And
I'm peace like dat [x7]
I'm Peace
[Butterfly]
Check it out man I groove like dat
I'm smmoce like dat
I jive like dat
I roll like dat
[Ladybug]
Yeah I'm thick like dat
I stack like dat
I'm down like dat
I'm black like dat
[Doodlebug]
Well yo I funk like dat
I'm fat like dat
I'm in like dat
Cause I swing like dat
[Butterfly]
We jazz like dat
We freak like dat
We zoom like dat
We out...we out

Digable Planets / Rebirth of Slick

He's the Dennis Miller of the streets

Walking from the gym to work, I saw a speeding line of police cars barrel down the street accompanied by an ambulance and what appeared to be a sawed-off limo. Because we've been in UN lock-down all week, I assumed it had something to do with carting some head-of-state to the East Side. After they'd all gone by, I continued walking and passed a fellow who I had seen excitedly whip out his cellphone after the motorcade passed. I overheard:

"Hey! Hey, guess who I just saw! (small pause) Dinner jacket!!!"

Everyone's in on the act.

Yup

When will he be loved?

The extremely creepy fifty-ish gay gentleman who frequents the gym I go to spends the precious time between workouts materializing out of thin air like a fucking vampire in front of men with whom he then awkwardly flirts. It's like watching a gay Nightcrawler. From the X-Men. Not a giant worm. But he creeps me out like a giant worm would. I bet he'd like to show me his giant worm. Anyway, this fellow had an odd exchange with one of the maintenance people today:

(The maintenance GUY is cleaning out a particularly filthy locker)

GAY DUDE: (appearing out of the shadows, TOTALLY NUDE by the way) You know, you should ask for a raise.

GUY: (shrugging slightly, chuckling) Yeah, THAT'D go over well.

GAY DUDE: (laughing in a manner disproportionate to the quality of that quip) HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAAAAAA!!! That was FUNNY! "THAT'D go over well." HAHHAHAHHAAHAAAAA....

The gay dude then ate his face.

Unless I'm totally wrong, sarcastically saying "that'd go over well" is neither a new joke nor particularly funny. Oh, wait. He's a creepy old SAD AND LONELY gay dude. That explains everything.

And speaking of explaining everything, I was wondering why there was a police state outside my office building today. My boss informed me that Iranian president I'm-a-dinner-jacket is around. Creeping. In the shadows. With the gay dude.

Pedophile 2: The Wrath of Uncle Joe

I found a nifty online NES gaming site that has a decent collection of old classics. One of which is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The strategy for the game is suspect:



"Touch kid to see prize?" Whoever translated that is a Grade A prizesucker.

What a card

As my passing interest in football grows with each exposure to it, I find myself enamored with the idea of the penalty. Especially in this corporate dump, penalties should be accrued along with the various inhumanities inflicted on the working man every day.

REFEREE: "Denial of overtime! Offense! Two day penalty! It's now Friday!"

I could almost shoot myself with how pedestrian that joke is.