Friday, September 26, 2008

We be to rap what key be to lock

Happy Friday:

We like the breeze flow straight out of our lids
Them they got moved by these hard rock Brooklyn kids
Us flow a rush when the DJ's boomin classics
You dig the crew on the fattest hip hop records
He touch the kinks and sinks into the sounds
She frequents the fatter joints called undergrounds
Our funk zooms like you hit the Mary Jane
They flock to booms man boogie had to change
Who freaks the clips with mad amount percussion
Where kinky hair goes to unthought-of dimensions
Why's it so fly cause hip hop kept some drama
When Butterfly rocked his light blue-suede Pumas
What by the cut we push it off the corner
How was the buzz entire hip hop era?
Was fresh and fat since they started sayin audi
Cause funks made fat from right beneath my hoodie
The puba of the styles like miles and shit
Like sixties funky worms with waves and perms
Just sendin chunky rhythms right down ya block
We be to rap what key be to lock
I'm cool like dat [x7]
I'm cool...I'm cool...
We be the chocolates taps on my raps
innovates at the sweeta cat naps
He at the funk club with the vibrate
Them they be crazy down with the ?five plate?
It can kick a plan then a crowd burst
Me I be diggin it with s bump verse
Us we be freakin til dawn blinks an eye
He gives the strangest smile so I say hi (wassup)
Who understood yeah understood the plan
Him heard a beat and put it to his hands
What I just flip let borders get loose
How to consume or they'll be just like juice
If its the shit we'll lift it off the plastic
The babes'll go spastic
Hip hop gains a classic
Pimp playin shock it dont matter I'm fatter
Ax Butta how I zone (man Cleopatra Jones)
I'm chill like dat [x7]
I'm chill...I'm chill...
We get ya free cause the clips be fat boss
Them they're the jams and commence to goin off
She sweats the beat and ask me cause she puffed it
Me I got crew kids seven and a crescent
Us cause a buzz when the nickel bags are dealt
Him thats my man with the asteroid belt
They catch a fizz from the Mr. Doodle-big
He rocks a tee from the Crooklyn non-pigs
The rebirth of slick like my gangsta stroll
The lyrics just like loot come in stacks and rolls
You used to find a bug in a box with fade
Now he boogies up your stage plaits twist or braids
I'm peace like dat [x7]
I'm Peace
Check it out man I groove like dat
I'm smmoce like dat
I jive like dat
I roll like dat
Yeah I'm thick like dat
I stack like dat
I'm down like dat
I'm black like dat
Well yo I funk like dat
I'm fat like dat
I'm in like dat
Cause I swing like dat
We jazz like dat
We freak like dat
We zoom like dat
We out...we out

Digable Planets / Rebirth of Slick

Thursday, September 25, 2008

He's the Dennis Miller of the streets

Walking from the gym to work, I saw a speeding line of police cars barrel down the street accompanied by an ambulance and what appeared to be a sawed-off limo. Because we've been in UN lock-down all week, I assumed it had something to do with carting some head-of-state to the East Side. After they'd all gone by, I continued walking and passed a fellow who I had seen excitedly whip out his cellphone after the motorcade passed. I overheard:

"Hey! Hey, guess who I just saw! (small pause) Dinner jacket!!!"

Everyone's in on the act.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Monday, September 22, 2008

When will he be loved?

The extremely creepy fifty-ish gay gentleman who frequents the gym I go to spends the precious time between workouts materializing out of thin air like a fucking vampire in front of men with whom he then awkwardly flirts. It's like watching a gay Nightcrawler. From the X-Men. Not a giant worm. But he creeps me out like a giant worm would. I bet he'd like to show me his giant worm. Anyway, this fellow had an odd exchange with one of the maintenance people today:

(The maintenance GUY is cleaning out a particularly filthy locker)

GAY DUDE: (appearing out of the shadows, TOTALLY NUDE by the way) You know, you should ask for a raise.

GUY: (shrugging slightly, chuckling) Yeah, THAT'D go over well.

GAY DUDE: (laughing in a manner disproportionate to the quality of that quip) HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAAAAAA!!! That was FUNNY! "THAT'D go over well." HAHHAHAHHAAHAAAAA....

The gay dude then ate his face.

Unless I'm totally wrong, sarcastically saying "that'd go over well" is neither a new joke nor particularly funny. Oh, wait. He's a creepy old SAD AND LONELY gay dude. That explains everything.

And speaking of explaining everything, I was wondering why there was a police state outside my office building today. My boss informed me that Iranian president I'm-a-dinner-jacket is around. Creeping. In the shadows. With the gay dude.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Pedophile 2: The Wrath of Uncle Joe

I found a nifty online NES gaming site that has a decent collection of old classics. One of which is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The strategy for the game is suspect:

"Touch kid to see prize?" Whoever translated that is a Grade A prizesucker.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What a card

As my passing interest in football grows with each exposure to it, I find myself enamored with the idea of the penalty. Especially in this corporate dump, penalties should be accrued along with the various inhumanities inflicted on the working man every day.

REFEREE: "Denial of overtime! Offense! Two day penalty! It's now Friday!"

I could almost shoot myself with how pedestrian that joke is.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

In ol' Tucksin

The trip to Tucson, Arizona to see the fam was awesome. We packed a lot of stuff into six days. There was an eight mile hike through Sabino Canyon that nearly killed us...with NATURAL BEAUTY:

Also, if you try to make a bicycle out of spaghetti, a cartoon line will jettison you into a gulch:

But the strangest part of the trip was the University of Arizona football game we attended. Not only was there a one hour rain delay (which happens in Arizona about as often as the Yankees win these days), but the drunken, angry students decided to fire full water bottles and other items at the police officers on the field. Things got so unruly that David Hasselhoff had to step in. Yeah, that's right. The Hoff was in attendance.

It's a bad picture of Knight Rider, but he was indeed on hand to calm the embittered masses with small, autographed pictures of himself that he just happened to have. According to those in the know, the Hoff was there because his daughter is a frosh at U of A. Although I didn't see it, reports were that Hoff's daughter was visibly annoyed with the attention being showered on her father, who finished his night by standing atop one of the stairwells and yelling "WOOOOOO!" to the hundreds of screaming drunken fratboys.

It was pretty sweet.