Friday, May 28, 2010

Indianapolis: Greek God of Indians

We find ourselves somewhere between Akron and Columbus Ohio at the moment on a trip to Indianapolis. Akron, it should be noticed, shares a lot in common with my hometown of Bangor, Pennsylvania in that they are both towns in which absolutely nothing ever happened. After we mistakenly drove through a particularly bad section of Akron, I couldn't help but think there'd be a high crime rate in the town if anybody actually lived there. Despite the ubiquitous economic depression here, the local newspaper seems surprisingly left-wing. I suppose that's one of the reasons this state is so confounding around election time.

One of the pleasant discoveries we've made (well, that I've made...Mandy and her friend Cris have known about them for some time) is a series of quick-marts called "Sheets." Their signature novelty is an express deli system they've dubbed "MTO," which stands for "made to order," though we came up with alternate meanings:
My Testicle Odor
Mike's Tremendous Orgasm
Mis-Tentacled Octopus
My Toaster's Off

And so on. Anyway, more to come from Indianapolis and Sunday's Indy 500.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Squeezing out a blog on the road

I'm pretty certain I am doing myself a disservice by not using my Droid to blog while travelling. Well, I have cast aside the clunky barbarism of desktop publishing and have joined the ranks of the most painfully annoying cocksuckers ever to embrace technology: the smartphone bloggers. Now I can keep everyone posted on what songs I'm listening to, what hilariously misguided notions I have, and what colors and textures I'm finding in my feces. I'm told scatological humor is big right now.

Speaking of smartphones and their signaling the rapid decline of Western civilization, I observed a gentleman at the office I'm currently slaving for scrolling through email on his Blackberry during the first few minutes of a lecture on fire safety that was being delivered by some poor dope who was unlucky enough to be slapped with the thankless role of "safety warden" of our building. I want nothing more than to see his comb-over melt off of his dumb face as the flames remind him that he doesn't know where the fire exits are. Rules are rules, after all. And now you die, you self-important dildo.

All that negativity aside, I am curious to see how successful this mobile blogging goes. I'll...keep you posted! LITERALLY! LOL OMG STFU

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Those negroes are stealing my health care!


I don't have a pot to piss in, but I would give more tax money to insure every American has a chance at health care. And the very fact that I even have to write the word "chance" is indicative of a glaring omission from the bill that's on the table, and that omission is the public option. That option will never be considered, at least in our lifetimes, so the current bill is the one we're stuck with.

It was, if memory serves, a Republican who said, correctly, that the essential difference in this debate about health care is whether you consider health coverage a right or a privilege. Well, I believe it's a right. And, if I take a quick glance around at Britain, Canada, France, Japan, and most of the industrialized world, I don't think I'm too far off of what most populations think. In that guarantee of the physical well-being of every citizen, we find a communal agreement that used to be an integral part of American society (special bonus quiz: resurrect your great grandfather and ask him about health care. And, when he wiped the cobwebs from his barren eye sockets and shouted "Health WHAT?," feel free to shoot him in the head with a musket because all zombies should be killed).

This is more of a race issue than most will admit. The argument goes "I don't want to have to pay for health care for THEM." Ok. That's a fair point. But who fights your wars? You see a lot of trust fund kids swarming to the front line? Be realistic.

We are a first world nation with a third world mentality about health care. In theory, it should be better here. It isn't.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


As with most folks with half a brain in their corpulent, American heads, I occasionally go through periods of intense self-loathing. I also go through periods of trying to find gainful employment. Those two seemingly conflicting factors led me to restrict readership of this blog for a period of time because I entertained the fantasy that potential employers would Google my name and find my slightly abrasive blog and, upon reading it, would electronically render my application null and void by the power vested in the Mayor of the Internets. I've since realized that said potential employers are most likely squeezing out giant dumps on my resume and they may not, in fact, actually exist. Unicorns dry-humping on the corner of 22nd Street and 4th Avenue, Brooklyn are a more probable sight right now than job offers.

So, eschewing the traditional story, I offer a few snippets of what I've been thinking about lately (OOOOOOOH, I bet you're SOOOOOO excited. All six of you):

1. Diversity really isn't all that great (now I'm just attacking potential employers, but whatever). A moron from Zaire is much the same as a moron from Long Island City, only the fellow from Zaire may have an exotic accent, depending on who you're talking to. My point is that far too much attention is being paid these days to the source of the ideas over the ideas themselves. Employing some asshole from Mozambique because it's a sexy idea and it fulfills some misguided notion that a corporation appears more sophisticated is not a sound business stratagem. If the person you just hired is spouting off the same bullshit rhetoric as everyone else but with an Australian twang, what's the fucking point?

2. Continuing that idea, I think it's high time all companies became meritocracies. And I'm not talking about grabbing the best and brightest from colleges and other companies. Resumes can be fabricated and GPAs misleading. Before the interview, throw the fucker a trident and have him fight a polar bear. Now, we're talking utile skills. Better yet, tear the candidate's resume up in front of him and ask him to defuse a bomb or everyone in the office dies. You're looking at a future CEO if he gets through the first few wires without sobbing.

3. New York goes out of its way to remind you of how much you both love it and hate it all the same time. It's the reality TV show of cities.

More to come. There's too much to say right now. Horrifying explorations into a curmudgeon's routine. Stay tuned, won't you?