Thursday, August 16, 2012

Cinderella Boy, Cinderella Story

After months of radio silence, my phone awakened from its slumber and yielded a pair of job interviews scheduled for next week. Because I hadn't heard it ring for some time, I took frightened, animalistic swipes at my cellular device hoping to purge it of demons and fire spells. After I realized what was going on, I had my male cat Parker, the bigger and more daring of the two house cats, listen to the voicemail, call each school, and make the appointments. He doesn't understand English, but I have trained him to mimic basic business parlance including such phrases as:

  • Think outside the box.
  • I'll shoot you an email.
  • How does Wednesday sound?
  • Let's fly this up the flagpole and see who salutes.

Unfortunately, his inadequate feline vocal cords garble each phrase so much that I'm pretty sure these potential employers will be expecting a 400 pound Korean barber. No matter. I will stay the course.

You may be wondering what my interview strategies will be. Well, I'm glad you're so interested. I plan to hire a female impersonator to act in my stead. Now, I know what you're thinking! You assume I mean I'm having another man pretend to be me and that man happens to be a female impersonator on the side. This is incorrect. The man will dress as whomever it is he impersonates (I'm told Cher is popular), and then, dressed as that woman, he/she will then pretend to be me. Imagine a very masculine Dolly Parton sporting a mustache, and you'll begin to understand where I'm going with this. And where is that? To the top, baby. To the top.

The point of all this is to create a smokescreen in order to hide my insecurities and nervousness. Because I'm nervous. And I really need a job.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

I got Googled.

Recently, a bunch of crazy business happened between GoDaddy, Google, and Google's subsidiary Blogger and the resulting amalgam took my blog away for a short while. Without my knowing it. So it's back. All five of you should be shitting yourselves with glorious anticipation.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Ooh! The ol' double bluff!

Somewhere along the line in my relentless search for a teaching job, one of the countless websites I was forced to join got me involved in a deluge of Nigerian spam email. If you've been on the internet for even a few years, you've come to see the Nigerian spam emails as web classics, comedic gems hand-crafted by barely literate scam artists more likely to be located in Bayonne than Nigeria. Though I've seen countless emails claiming I'd won millions of dollars from a freshly dead African prince, I had never seen an email claiming to be from the Nigerian authorities investigating these frauds. What a wonderful step in the evolution of spam. Here's the letter in full (all errors left in for the lulz):

Dear Sir/Madam,


We hereby inform you that out of our records for the year investigation it is drawn to us that you
have been victimized by the men of underworld(Pretenders/impostors). However,the management has
been dutifully empowered by the Investigation bureau office of the President and
Commander-in-chief of the Armed Forces of Federal Republic of Nigeria to curb all illicit
transaction and workload of this perpetrators.

In line with the Anti-corruption crusade of the Presidency, President Goodluck Jonathan (GCFR)you
are by this Email notification to stop any contact regarding this illegal transaction with this
Hoodlums.Out of our findings, the image of this country has been dented Internationally during the
past administration of the Federal Government of Nigeria.Presently,we have employed a strategy to
remit sanity,and vow to terminate the activity of this fraudsters,by consolidating our security
Network all over the country in view to monitor all outgoing and incoming communication to enable
us fish out and avert all illegal and suspicious transaction both domestically and internationally

Moreover,it occur that some of our Financial Institutions(Bank) serve as a condit pipe by which
this fraudsters use to perpetrate the undo crime.We have signal all these financial institutions
to implement scrutinized investigation before carrying any transaction.Any bank found culpable of
breaching the law,must have their operational license revoke.

In accordance with the criminal and other related offense act 25 of 1999 constitution, we have
been officially compel by Senator. A. Aminu(JP), Chairman, Senate committee on Foreign Affair to
mapped out billions of Dollars from the Annual Budget to compensate all defrauded victims as part
of the ongoing National Reform Scheme of the presidency and means to radiate immunity for

In view of this,we have been informed that you are still dealing with those hoodlums in all your
attempts to secure the release of your fund.We wish to advise you that such an illegal act has to
stop if you wish to receive your payment since we have decided to bring a solution to your
problem. Do be informed that we reserve the right at our discretion to sue you for damage on
recognition of further contact with this people.

By the strength of this development the sum of US$5.Million United States Dollars
(USD$5,000,000.00) has been SIGNED to each beneficiaries to be paid . This Memorandum is to notify
you that you will be settled with the sum of US$5.Million United States Dollars
(USD$5,000,000.00)/ your Inheritance /contract or lotto payment.

Kindly send the above information :

1. Your full name:
2. Your residential address:
3. Mobile and fax number (for regular official contact).

These above-mentioned informations will officially enable us to carry out our verification
processes and after that your compensation sum/Inheritance Funds will be approved in your name and
Electronically wired into your designated Bank account or by ATM Card delivery to your doorstep.,
depending on which mode of payment you prefer.

You are to contact this office upon receipt of this notification immediately to proceed for payment.

Please do respond back to us with this email.

Best Regard,

Hon. Justice Ayoola
Chairman ICPC Nigeria.
(Independent Corrupt Practice Commission,ICPC)