Monday, April 30, 2007

...the hell...?

Imbued Within's masterblogger Matt forwarded me this link to Grapples, a fruity Frankenstein's monster of apples and grapes brought to us by the wonders of science. These delightful mutations "Look like an apple. Taste like a grape." What other ungodly olios does modern technology have in store for us?

1. Waterfelon: a robust, juicy sex offender. Filled with seeds.

2. Brezeer: from the German "brezel," this is a hodgepodge of pretzels and beer. It's already ready already! And shaped like a breast! To eat! To drink! To dreat!

3. Chanties: chocolate panties. Exciting? Sure.

4. Corn on the Bob: the freshest sweet corn poured over my Uncle Bob.

5. Zoudini: magic and produce.


Your Definitive Source for Douchebaggery

Someone from Bowling Green, Ohio reached my site by Googling "commercial work in new york." Now, I'll let everyone wallow in that delicious irony for a second. There...uncomfortable yet? Good.

However cynical I may be about the commercial acting world, I wouldn't want my new Ohio friend to leave my blog without first gathering at least a modicum of sagely advice. So, I offer the following hot tips that may just help the fresh, young actor in the New York commercial scene:

1. Send headshots constantly and make sure you include cute little notes along with your picture. Casting agents and directors like nothing more than sifting through mounds of airbrushed nonsense only to be greeted with an eye-catching quip like "I've got the goods" or "let's make magic together."

2. When you arrive for the audition, talk loudly and incessantly. You're sure to draw attention to yourself by bloviating like a braying jackass. Feigning friendship or interest in the lives of the casting directors is also a plus.

"Hey, how's that baby doing? She walking yet?"

"She's dead."

3. During the audition, ignore all improvisation rules and make it about you. It's important that you run this puppy, because chances are this red-cheeked asshole doesn't know how to make things up. Make sure to dominate the situation regardless of how nonsensical the words coming out of your mouth may be.

4. After the audition, make sure to say in an obnoxious, boastful voice to your fellow actors "you can all go home. I nailed it" or some other trite bullshit that EVERY SINGLE ACTOR IN THE HISTORY OF THE BUSINESS HAS EITHER THOUGHT OF OR SAID SO PLEASE STOP DOING IT...YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL.

5. On your way out, make sure everyone knows that you teach improv at some fake school somewhere so that you can lure some poor dope into dropping hundreds of dollars on learning the art of making shit up.

6. Take a long walk off a short pier.

I hope this has been entertaining, as well as informative. You could take my advice, or ignore all the above and be a real person. NOBODY'S doing that right now. Who knows? Maybe it'll catch on.

Friday, April 27, 2007


John Ness is crazy. A few months ago, John introduced to me the idea of doing a video sports blog in association with AOL. Well, more specifically, a video baseball blog, because I find most other sports repellent. In a lot of ways, I am like baseball: lazy, boring, and occasionally gay. Needless to say, I never thought John would actually pursue working with a marginally talented lunatic. So after Dan Aykroyd turned him down, he called me again.

I sent John a few "pilot" bits, the lighting and sound for which is reminiscent of dorm-room pornos. The only thing missing is the fake and incessant moaning of a drunken sorority girl. Here's one of them:

Believe me, watching my giant, melon head float in space even for a minute is terrifying. What is more terrifying is that the site John supervises gets something in the ballpark of 15 MILLION hits a month. It's got to be good. It's got to be smart. It's got to be a minute long each spot. Quick and hilarious. Like sex with me.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Got change for a gold brick?

On Friday night, I went to see Hot Fuzz at the ol' bijou. As is required in the Jordan Barker Film Handbook, I bought a large popcorn and large soda. The cashier, a moron, fucked up the order. Here was my "change:"

And then we all laughed.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Up Molests My Ear

Matt's cat called "Up" has an ear fetish which causes him to bore into the human ear like a starved honey bear digging for that sweet sweet ear gold.