Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I'm not certain that the folks over at "Official Meetings Facility Guide" thought their abbreviation out:

OMFG indeed.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson laughs like this:

How is she not beaten to death with a tennis racket? Apparently, she is also a big fan of Olive Garden but Olive Garden is not a fan of hers. They are basically actively ignoring her endorsements. And BELIEVE me, I don't think it's because she gets nude. I think it has more to do with the fact that she laughs like she's had part of her brain removed through her nose.

"I love Olive Garden! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Friday, August 15, 2008

There goes Hollywood fucking things up again

3rd Rock From the Sun's Joseph Gordon-Levitt is playing Cobra Commander in the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. Yeah...yeah that makes sense.

Oh wait, no it doesn't. Because Cobra Commander wasn't sixteen as I recall. That's like having Webster play Darth Vader.

Muggins and I witnessed some old jerk dive across the bus this morning to grab some crippled woman's seat as she left. He then promptly whipped out a Blackberry and began scrolling. Five minutes later, another seat opened up and yet another odorous businessman swooped in, sat down, and, you guessed it, whipped out his Blackberry. It's now officially ridiculous, people. Put your fucking PDAs away. I know you just HAVE to see that email that you can actually do nothing about until you get to the office anyway.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

That figures

It turns out that my instinctual desire to get out of this dump where I work is a little more intuitive than I would've liked. There's a big secret in the office and I was the last to find out. Seems ol' bossman is retiring at the end of the year and has actually gone to great lengths to cover this fact up. In fact, I was shown a corporate email from the beginning of the year explaining how hush hush this whole operation needed to be so that everyone in the office didn't jump ship before they were able to get everything under their control. Really quite disturbing.

And I know this job doesn't mean anything. But I still feel betrayed. I would have gone on in miserable ignorance until the day they told everybody to pack up and leave. And BELIEVE me, there's no severance package involved. It'd be a mass expulsion from the company's HR asshole. BLOOSH. Gone. So long, sucker.

The problem is that despite my complaining, I'm a loyal person and I take offense that bossman would do this. I'm not shocked, that's just the way he does things. He always has. It just lacks respect.

Monday, August 11, 2008


Has anyone else noticed that now has t-shirt icons next to selected headlines that allows you to order a t-shirt with that headline printed on it? Isn't that morally bad some how? Don't get me wrong! I still would've got a "Soul Legend Isaac Hayes Dies" t-shirt if it were available, the pussies.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Chaos is not pronounced "chows"

The panic is palpable these days, like an electric mist we all amble through. We are in desperate need to feel important. It seems that the "me" generation has evolved into the "I" generation because that shit is capitalized now, in a gaudy, bold font. The "me" generation was selfish, sure, but this new gathering of subhumans is oblivious to all other activity around them. Barely literate administrative assistants busy themselves with high end smartphones. To what end? Ostensibly to increase productivity, to become ever-present in the workplace. To become important.

You're not important.

Despite the speed with which information is bandied about, real decisions aren't made any faster. In fact, real decisions aren't really made anymore. Ever. The idea, I suppose, was to have this instantaneous exchange of information so that everyone could weigh in and a decision could be made. It doesn't really work that way, unfortunately. Along with the increase of connectivity, of hands in the pot, the idea of individual importance skyrocketed. And with increase self-importance comes increased liability. Everybody wants to be heard, but no one wants to be the one who pulls the trigger. The important people counteract their own importance. It's actually quite beautiful.

However illusory self-worth is these days, it's crucial that it remains intact. Can you imagine everyone realizing all at once that they don't mean a fucking thing? That is, of course, unless you're in an actual job producing goods and products. Those occupations actually mean something to the economy. We want potatoes, and you grow them. The shithead on his Blackberry scrolling through email about said potatoes is not needed. He thinks he's making an executive decision about the potatoes, but in order to do so, he has to run it by a best practices unit and then an audit committee. They, of course, support the idea of purchasing potatoes, but they have to hold off to see what the brainstorming session yields. This "process" spirals and fizzles out and no concrete decision is ever made. And the potatoes rot in the field.

This isn't funny. We don't make anything in this country anymore. And if we don't make anything here, what can these Blackberrying fuckfaces POSSIBLY be emailing each other about?

Isn't Twitter the ultimate in this sort of behavior? I suppose email and IMing weren't enough. Now there's a whole website devoted to keeping people posted on every second of your fucking life. And the amazing thing is that you really have to opt in to it. I don't know what's more baffling, the fact that you can get updates about the shapes of your friends' turds, or that there's part of you that really wants to know.

And why bother hanging out anymore?

"I went to Comic Con!"
"I know, I read it on Twitter."
"And I met the Pope!"
"I know."
"And I--"
"Could you keep it down? I'm trying to get your updates about the conversation we're having right now."
"Ok. How's this? Me @ You: You're a cunt."