Thursday, August 16, 2012

Cinderella Boy, Cinderella Story

After months of radio silence, my phone awakened from its slumber and yielded a pair of job interviews scheduled for next week. Because I hadn't heard it ring for some time, I took frightened, animalistic swipes at my cellular device hoping to purge it of demons and fire spells. After I realized what was going on, I had my male cat Parker, the bigger and more daring of the two house cats, listen to the voicemail, call each school, and make the appointments. He doesn't understand English, but I have trained him to mimic basic business parlance including such phrases as:


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  • Let's fly this up the flagpole and see who salutes.


Unfortunately, his inadequate feline vocal cords garble each phrase so much that I'm pretty sure these potential employers will be expecting a 400 pound Korean barber. No matter. I will stay the course.

You may be wondering what my interview strategies will be. Well, I'm glad you're so interested. I plan to hire a female impersonator to act in my stead. Now, I know what you're thinking! You assume I mean I'm having another man pretend to be me and that man happens to be a female impersonator on the side. This is incorrect. The man will dress as whomever it is he impersonates (I'm told Cher is popular), and then, dressed as that woman, he/she will then pretend to be me. Imagine a very masculine Dolly Parton sporting a mustache, and you'll begin to understand where I'm going with this. And where is that? To the top, baby. To the top.

The point of all this is to create a smokescreen in order to hide my insecurities and nervousness. Because I'm nervous. And I really need a job.


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