Seeing as the previous iteration of this blog was destroyed, I thought I'd post a bit I retained (to celebrate the 18,000th hit):
HIPPY BUDDHIST VISIBLY PISSED ABOUT ROBBERY
Dayton, OH - Video store employee Carl Tawny, a practicing Buddhist and humanitarian, became uncharacteristically aggressive today following the robbery of his downtown studio apartment last night.
"I am trying extremely hard to remember that the idea of possession is an illusion, an earthly distraction from true happiness" says Tawny, 33, standing at the window of his meager home, which houses eleven of his friends. "But they took the XBox, and that fucking sucks."
"And what about those autographed pictures of Tina Fey I got at the Mean Girls premiere?" Tawny continued, huffily tossing an empty hommus container at his cat, Phishface. "I mean, those fuckers don't grow on trees, although, I guess, spiritually, it doesn't matter."
"I hope nothing but a busy, cluttered lifestyle on those stupid cocksuckings," he awkwardly swore and finished filling out the police questionnaire.