Monday, August 27, 2007

Over my dead body

Death at a Funeral is one of the few comedies in a long time that has wrenched from my evil, cynical person a genuine, soul-scraping belly laugh. It's a simple, classic farce and it is perfect. Alan Tudyk needs to be in more. Well, I take that back. He is in a lot, but no one knows who he is. This movie ought to turn heads. To paraphrase Dr. Foreman on House: it's dangerous, it could kill you. You should see it.

This is not as easy as it looks:


Sunday turned out to be Waffle Fest 2007. Cuisinart's waffle iron has proven itself the culinary equivalent of an electronic bull. One false move and it will destroy you and all of your blueberries. The first waffle attempt was seemingly smooth, as delicious batter (which is also the title of a porn I once rented) was spread evenly over the griddle surface and the lid lightly shut. The Cuisinart is kind of a pushy little bitch in that it has a red light/green light system that alerts you when it feels your waffle is ready. The green light went up on waffle number one, and the lid was lifted. Terror ensued. The waffle had stuck perfectly to both the top and bottom griddle, giving the waffle maker the appearance of the frothing maw of a goddamned demon, which prompted its user to close the unit in horror, as if slamming a coffin lid shut. However, the lid was in close proximity to a small carton of fresh blueberries that had the hopeful ambition of one day adorning a waffle. This dream was suspended as the blueberries shot through the air like fat purple children, all madly scattering upon contact with the floor. After the plump bastard imps were harvested from their resting spots, the five second rule was employed. THESE BLUEBERRIES HAVE A DATE...A WAFFLE DATE...HIGHWAY TO DELICIOUSNESS!!! Cooking spray was brought in to ensure the demon wouldn't return and there were waffles. Soggy, but waffles nonetheless, damnit.

8 comments:

Matthew said...

Hey, I smell soggy produce. CLOSE YOUR UNIT!

Anonymous said...

you got a waffle iron?
awesome!
are you going to invite anyone??
-a

Anonymous said...

also - love the new banner/title thingy. yay!
-a

Kristy said...

"This dream was suspended as the blueberries shot through the air like fat purple children..."

You got a laugh on that one, sir (dare I say LOL!).

You were also in my dream last night, and came to see me perform in a Fringe Festival ballet piece in my living room, and I had no idea how you'd known to come since I had decided to do it at the last minute. You had, of course, learned of the performance from our friend Maura at Whole Foods. And then there was a tornado, and everything basically disintegrated.

Gabe said...

Everything basically disintegrated? Typical.

Oh, and I LOVE Maura. Whatever happened to her?

Kath said...

I had a dream that you and Mug were hanging out in the family room of the house of my youth. Ron Weems was present, as was my mother, who was alive, oddly enough. There were puppies as far as the eye could see. One of the dogs was pink and had a kooshball where his dick should've been. I'm sorry . . . what about waffles?

Hackett said...

Do you live near Rosie O'Donnell? I think that dog must have wandered over from her dream. Was Erns there?

Kath said...

There were many shih tzus represented but sadly Erns was not one of them and odd considering he was usually attached to my mom's hip.