Thursday, January 17, 2008

She's just Jenny from the block

Tooth extractions are always easier when you get to sit in a waiting room chock full of quasi-literate shitheads who happen to be in pain. As I awaited my molar's day of reckoning, I was treated to the incessant moaning of a particularly agonized gentleman who sounded like he was being gently stabbed every two seconds.

"Ohhhhhh...ohhhhhh...ohhhhh...ohhhhh...ohhhhhh"

You could set your watch to it. It was such a half-assed and childish expression of pain, that the women sitting next to me couldn't help but give in to uncontrollable giggling. After a short wait with Johnny Moansalot, my name was called.

Now, the first sign of a good dental experience is blood caked on the dentist's overhead light. I had grown accustomed to NYU's general dentistry wing, which sports bright, shiny equipment and a certain openness. The oral surgery wing, however, is where American tourists are systematically hunted down and slaughtered, their remains left dangling from the exhaust vents to taunt the newest victims. After I sat down and explained my condition to my attending student-doctor (whose name tag, I shit you not, read "J. Lo"), a second person was brought in the discuss the matter of ripping my goddamned tooth out. This latter individual will be dubbed Dirk Studsly, because this poor dope was convinced that he was a lot better looking than he actually is. Also, power and achievement are most awkwardly displayed in a dental school. Dr. Studsly was clearly the top banana, and he let you know it. Unfortunately, because he is a dentist, no one gives a shit. Anyway, Styles McDashing and J. Lo had a little powwow behind me and I heard the following conversation:

GUY LANTERNJAW: You want to do it?

JLO: Uh...

GUY: You can do it. I'll help. Get him to sign the consent form first.

Ah...I'm no detective, but it seems an awful lot like this might be JLO's first time. Luckily, Chisel Axelrod will be so kind as to lead the way. I glanced up at the blood on the light and considered my options:

1. Go batshit insane and escape the oral surgery wing holding moaning guy hostage

2. Start believing in a god

3. Take it like a man

So, I took it like a man. And, I must say, JLO did a fine job. No pain. No fuss. No muss. I will certainly consider her for all of my future tooth extracting needs.

And just to be clear that I wasn't exaggerating about the state of the office, the guy who was sucking the blood from my mouth (with a suction device, not his mouth) exclaimed at the end of the extraction "wow, this is one ghetto cubicle."

And then we all laughed.

2 comments:

Mike said...

Reminds me of Dr. Spaceman in this clip at around 0:25
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtJL2YfjR2g

JCN said...

Thank god. I was worried for a minute there that the two of them were going to try and effstart your head.