Dan Patrick: Comedy Writer

I have to call bullshit on Dan Patrick. The former ESPN host now works for Sports Illustrated and has won the opportunity to regale us with his veteran wit. It seems, however, that he doesn't read his own column. In the May 19 issue of SI, Patrick criticizes Yankees relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain for his "spontaneous displays of enthusiasm" after striking people out (specifically, pumping his fist after fanning David Dellucci a few weeks ago). According to Dan "Catchphrase" Patrick (thanks for introducing "en fuego" to American pop culture, by the way. I had to hear that shit throughout high school. I prayed that your face was en fuego), these young ballplayers should save their celebrations for "meaningful occasions." Fair enough. But how does one explain Dan Patrick's handling of Manny Ramirez in this week's SI:

I'm sure you saw the clips of Manny Ramirez giving a fan a high five last week after making a catch - but before he threw the ball to first to complete a double play. The knee-jerk reaction for many is to shake their heads: Hey, he's not taking the game seriously. But I like it. Whenever I watch Manny, I'm entertained: He's having fun.

You see how he had to add that "before he threw the ball to first to complete a double play" in order to justify championing this bullshit? So fucking around while the ball is in play is adorable while celebrating a strike out is excessive. Manny Ramirez's high five was ancillary to the play: He did it to see if he could do it. Manny has always been beloved for his childlike personality (indicative, possibly, of an extra chromosome swimming around, know what I mean?). I don't feel it's entirely fair to condemn Joba for a game-related expression of emotion (which can only help a team and its fans get excited about a last place performance) while looking at Ramirez like a lovable scamp whose antics often cost his team.

Of course, Dan Patrick admits that Manny does sometimes blow it. He then compares him to Brett Favre and how he used to "goof around." But, WHATEVER! It's CUTE!!! What does Dan see in them?

Here's what I see in each: one of the best of his generation, playing like a kid.

Well, Dan, kids also pump their fists after strikeouts. Kids get excited. Kids also whine and cry and choke and fuck up. I'm just looking for a little consistency here, Dan. Like George Carlin says: Let's not have two standards here. One standard will do just fine.