BLASINGAME!

One of the perks of being an XM subscriber is being subjected to the dulcet tones of Jim Blasingame. He does adverts for his radio show which, from what I can gather, has something to do with either helping small business owners succeed or annoying the shit out of XM subscribers. His voice seeps into my brain through my nose and just SITS there droning on like some prison camp survivor telling stories about how severely he was beaten. He has this Droopy Dog cadence to his voice that inspires nothing but violent anger in me. Even though he talks like a tired victim of a bus crash, to be fair, it isn't just his mouthnoise that eats at me like a sleepy vampire. It's also his unBELIEVEably shitty analogies that he hamfistedly applies to running a small business. They range from marginally unrelated to batshit insane. They sound like this:

When a young kitten tries to lap milk from the other side of the bowl, he gets milk all over his chest fur. When running a small business, sometimes we try to lap our net income from the other side of the ledger. Write this on a rock: the closest milk is the sweetest.

ARGGHHHHH!!!! WHAT?! Even though I can't remember an actual quote from his dumb ads, the above example captures something he would say. Somehow he manages to be obvious and convoluted at the same time. I guess from this simpering drivel, we're supposed to get the idea that he's some kind, sagacious old man whose wisdom is brilliant in its simplicity. In reality, it's babble that makes you want to stab him in the mustache.

Sometimes when a man bends down to pick up a penny from the sidewalk, he misses the bigger picture. Like the other man sidling up behind him to slip in ol' Yeller. Write this on a rock: don't get fucked in the ass by being cheap.

He's infuriating. Next up, Suzyn Waldman.