Wednesday, March 07, 2007

We'd rather you say "axe wound"

America's battle with language continues. Not only is a comedy club (A COMEDY CLUB, PEOPLE!) banning use of the word "nigger" in its establishment, an act which is both cowardly and ineffective, a Westchester high school has suspended three honors students for their inclusion of the word "vagina" in a reading of (AND HERE'S WHERE IT GETS REALLY FUNNY! NOT FUNNY AS IN "THAT'S HILARIOUS," BUT FUNNY IN A "LET'S PUT A SHOTGUN IN THE MOUTH OF EDUCATORS EVERYWHERE" KIND OF WAY) The Vagina Monologues. The. Vagina. Monologues.

Now, John Jay High School principal Richard Leprine, who in this case is most certainly no one's "pal," claims he suspended the girls simply because they agreed not to say the word before the event. Sort of a breach of contract kind of deal. What he neglected to say was that he is a sniveling coward who censored a reading in order to protect his cowardly ass. Against the word vagina, no less.

His rationale, reportedly, is that young people (presumably grade school level children or retarded teenagers) attend these events. Young people who neither own a vagina (I own twelve) nor know what one is. Well sir, the Himalayan Vaginas are a Fascist sect occupying a stronghold just outside of Tibet. These Vaginas tend to be unkempt and odorous, maintaining a diet based largely on wild cockerel and salt water. Most Vaginas are violent and assail potential threats by trapping them in a suffocating embrace with promises of eternal love and devotion, only to later expel their victims as amorphous masses of bone and flesh. The heart is almost always entirely consumed.

Got off on a tangent. Sorry.

The fact that America's paranoia about language has spread from traditionally "offensive" words to actual biological terminology is actually pretty interesting. In some ways, it goes hand in hand with the increasing distrust of science and the deepening foothold of archaic Christian values, which have always included censorship in not only form but content (the Bible is one of the most butchered texts in history depending on who was controlling the edits at the time). In fact, any institution's pedagogy relies on the power of words to herd their constituents. It's important for America's government that the word "nigger" has weight in order so that they can trust that it still has the ability to disable people. It's important that stupid school officials THINK that the word "vagina" is going to cause a stink (ho ho) because as long as we keep fighting amongst ourselves and trying not to offend one another, our freedoms can be continually taken away from us.

They're turning language against us. As George Carlin (and probably countless linguists) has said in the past, words have no meaning in and of themselves. It's the intention with which they're used and the context in which they're deployed. How fucked up is it that a principal of a high school, a man who I can only guess went to college and did a bit of reading, is afraid of a single word? To what end? What purpose? Is he seriously shielding female children from knowing the biological term for what's between their legs, and saving male children from knowing what one is? Part of me (read: all of me) hopes that the children of Westchester never get the skinny on the word "vagina" and that their whole community dies out because couples are unable to procreate due to the assumption that what goes in a lady's pee hole is a fucking pine cone. Not only that, I hope Principal Richard "No Vaginas Here" Leprine's daughter is the first to experience it. Stupid, stupid Americans and their dumb company-endorsed education systems. How about we let McDonalds pick the socially appropriate word for womens' genitalia? "It was so hot, dude. She let me finger her Egg McMuffin."

This country sucks. (Well why don't you move, SOURPUSS!)


Douche Champ said...

I'm sorry, twat did you say? I cunt hear you.

Gabe said...

I'm a cunning linguist.

Kath said...

I took it in the McGriddle last night.

Ira Lopez said...

That principal needs a Big'N'Tasty with Cheese right up in his McRib!

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Gabe said...

I rimmed her Texas Angus Burger.

DaveyJones said...

I Hamburgled her Mayor McCheese and punched her in the Grimace.

I'm no good at this.