Checkmate, BITCH

A last minute audition had our hero in Chelsea trying out for some ridiculous product doing ridiculous things. Actually, it wasn't that bad. We were merely asked to play chess in front of the camera for a couple of minutes. We were called in twos, and I was paired with a fellow clad in a tweed jacket and Buddy Holly style eyeglasses. Let's call him Smug McBigpants.

The casting director spun the camera toward me and asked "when did you start playing chess?"

I replied, "well, I was in Chess Club in grade school and after that, it was quickly discovered that I am, strategically, a moron. I'm a tactical nightmare."

She went on "why did you start playing chess?"

Again, I was honest.

"I suppose I felt it was what intelligent people do. It was with this feigned intelligence I supported my entire academic career."

And we all laughed a little. Now, Smug McBigpants gets his turn to go into his chess history and proceeds to swipe my self-deprecation bit.

"I, too, pursued chess under the same illusions of grandeur..."

Ugh. First of all, it's delusions of grandeur, you fucking moron. If you're going to be trite, at least get the fucking cliche down. But, Smug McModest turned into Smug McBigpants when he proceeded to tell the casting director that he, in fact, had won some chess tournament in college or some shit and that he was particularly fond of the "Latvian Gambit."

I, of course, made a joke about that, asking if that was anything like the "Krakau Gambit." He replied "no, the Latvian Gambit is a real thing."

Yeah, and my joke was a real joke, you pompous, simpering dildo. I hope the next time he tries to pull off his real Latvian Gambit, someone really stabs him in his real chest with a real spear. Jerk.

So, we get to playing our quick game of chess. And Smug McBigpants is making grunting noises like he's either considering the intricate machinations of chess strategy, or he's about to take a massive dump. Either way, I took his queen in about ten seconds. Because, in all sincerity, fuck that guy.