You never write anymore...

Here at Friends of Davey Jones, we strive to bring you the best content available on a semi-monthly to never basis. Our recent unscheduled outage has yielded faster service, more reliable jargon, and improved masturbatory cycles. We've been working around the clock to remove trite or predictable language and/or phrases, like this sentence, in order to maintain the level of mediocrity you've come to expect and almost want. We'd like to thank our twos of fives of readers for their casual (some might say passive) support.

Anna Nicole Smith is dead. File that little chestnut under "Who gives a shit?" Have you fired up CNN.com lately? Why has someone who has contributed absolutely nothing to either society or culture been rewarded with martyrdom? One CNN.com reader claims that Anna Nicole Smith "charmed" us all. What are these fucking people talking about? ARE WE ALL LOOKING AT THE SAME PERSON? The last time a perpetually fucked up redneck moron "charmed" me, I was five years old, he was a clerk at Gymboree, and I was molested. America has gotten into some seriously dangerous habits when it begins reconstructing national jokes into fallen heroes. This trend has been floating around for some time, and it certainly isn't the first time I've complained about it. However, this single event, the passing of an EX-PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD AND STRIPPER (!), and the ensuing unified mourning has solidified America as a nation of absolute morons in every way. Celebrity is now completely synonymous with importance, and that is not only telling about our collective neglect of truly significant things, ideas, and people, but perilous. Maybe we embrace the joke because we are a joke.

I understand that we're fascinated by train wrecks. But when the death of Anna Nicole Smith is dealt with the same weight as the demise of Princess Diana (which itself was pretty silly), aren't we going a step too far?

Just wait until the Snapple lady eats it. Then you''ll see some fucking tears, my friend.