The Advent

For 30 years now, people all around the world celebrate the coming of the crimson baby, Silvarado. It is said that denizens of the deepest regions of the African jungle, most notably the Pygmy or Negrito tribes, light a pair of red candles which represent the inflamed cheeks of Silvarado, whom they also call Bagganaynay ("Douchebag God"). Some children in Castillian Spain await eagerly for presents smothered in warm mashed potatoes and traditional jokebooks consisting of barely humorous stories, woefully bad puns, and blue material about baby rape. It is custom for those recognizing this holiday to greet each other with the traditional "I hate myself" followed by replies of "I hate myself too" if you're a male, or "Who are you again?" if you're a female. Depending on the region, special make-up is applied to the reveler's face in order to accentuate their embittered frowns. The remainder of the day is spent not talking to women and shying away from confrontation. Some orthodox Silvanians continue to collect action figures, comic books, and hardcore pornography. Some paint elaborate murals of Silvarado and Elvis Costello in a sultry bodily entanglement. All weep.