Ford: Built to Last

Deciding that spending my weekend witnessing the incredibly slow process of people feeding documents into a machine, I decided to travel to the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan. A hearty trip requires a hearty breakfast, and it wasn't long after my four mile run that I found myself at the sinister grip of Bob's Big Boy, who goes to same hair stylist as I do.


I have to say that Bob's Big Boy is not as big as the giant cheeseburger he wields like an ork's battle axe. It was on to Henry Ford's museum, which is basically a collection of cool stuff. Like this old car.


Here's an old Mustang that could have easily fit in my pocket on the way out.


Here's a cool race car that, despite how awesome it is, does nothing to convince me that race car driving is an actual sport.


This car was made as a bold stride into the future. Later, someone pointed out to the automakers that planes actually did exist and there was no reason for something like this ever.


Here's the Tucker Torpedo, one of the greatest flops in automobile history. They made a movie about it starring Jeff Bridges called Starman.


A question on everyone's mind when they pass this car is, "That can't be the actual car in which Kennedy got shot, can it?"


Your answer:


A question on everyone's mind when they pass this car is, "That can't be the actual car outside of which President Reagan got shot, can it?"


No...no that's the Weinermobile. And believe me, the Weinermobile doesn't have half of the majesty as this car, truly the symbol of the American automotive future:


Or maybe THAT'S the Weinermobile. But hey, it wasn't all cars. No no no! They also had other marvels of industrial ingenuity. Like motorized skates.


It didn't list a death count, but I'm sure those took someone's life and they screamed the entire time their bodies rocketed down the street toward oblivion.

Here's an interesting fact. Harley Davidson didn't always make motorcycles. In 1907, they made GAY motorcycles.


Somewhere along the way, Harley Davidson enthusiasts were introduced to rape, and their whole image changed overnight.

In the "Heroes of Flight" section, there were many fascinating exhibits, but when I saw the "Build Your Own Paper Airplane" station, I knew I'd be staying awhile. Brash and arrogant, I of course opted for the "Advanced" instructions. She was a good ship and, dare I say, a good friend.


But she would meet a disastrous end.


I actually briefly discussed rudimentary aerodynamics with a twelve year old and enjoyed it. Then his father, assuming I was a child molester, ushered him away. I then made a paper doll and told the father "This is you!" and ate it in front of him. None of this happened, but in my head it did.

I capped off the trip to a jaunt through Greenfield Village, a collection of old buildings and shops that Ford actually tore down and brought all the way to Dearborn only to rebuild them with the original materials. They had a courthouse in which Abe Lincoln practiced law (the woman told me that they even re-used the original plaster), Robert Frost's house, slave quarters (I have no joke, but I should), and even the ENTIRE EDISON MENLO PARK FACILITY, machines and all:


Of course, that's not all they had. They had working farms, weaving, pottery (I picked up a lil' something for a special someone), and animals floating around the place. My favorite was this friendly beast:


Best laugh of the day (BESIDES the Kennedy assassination car) was when I was walking in the "Working Fields" section of Greenfield Village and an employee asked me, "Do you like to grow things?" When I answered, "yeah, beards," she paused and laughed heartily. These people get the joke. It just takes a bit.

One last thing: I wasn't allowed to take pictures in the "Baseball as America" exhibit, but fuck these people. It was Jackie Robinson's jersey for christsakes.


It's not like I took it out and wore it. Well, maybe I did, but they didn't let me take a picture of the Honus Wagner tobacco card.