Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Blogging mere inches from my computer

I suppose if I'm going to blog consistently again, I need to really embrace this mobile hogwash. So, I'm experimenting with an app called Blogger Droid. So far, it's a tremendous pain in the ass, as my fat shaky fingers can't seem to navigate the Droid keyboard with the same elegant dexterity I use to pound out this irrelevant tripe on a normal computer.
Also, this app forces me to stare at ads the whole time I'm attempting to blog. In fact, right now a banner on the top of my screen is asking me not to miss CMT's new sitcom Working Class. Well, it's not asking me it's telling me. I can't imagine a more poorly aimed bit of marketing than that. I really can't. Unless readers of Oprah's blog get ads for colleges. Then that might be even more misguided.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Blog Babies

I realize that if I produced children at the same rate I blog, I'd have a series of unfortunately sized premature babies lying about the apartment. And, like premature babies, these blog posts are relatively useless. Sure, they're fun to look at and ridicule with your friends, but put a mop in their hands and what've you got? You have three and a half pounds of quivering flesh and...well, a mop. Also, they stink. The blog posts, I mean. Well, I've never smelled a premature baby, so I won't make presumptions about their odor. Broccoli? I only ask because some newborns I've met smell faintly of produce. I've often heard mothers refer to their wombs as "ovens" and that the child inside is "baking." So, do premature babies smell like cake batter? That can give you salmonella can't it? This whole business about the potentially lethal effects of premature babies on adults is deeply unsettling.

Speaking of unsettling, did you hear the news? Yeah, neither did I. I find a lot of the news I was reading or seeing on television disturbing, so now I go without. I'm sure the salmonella baby thing will be on there eventually. I just got fed up with all the men wearing ties barking at each other. A list of other things I'm fed up with:

1. To continue with the "men who wear ties" motif, why are we no longer buttoning the top button of the shirt, fellas? Do we all have fat necks? Do I have a fat neck?
2. If I have a fat neck, is there even an exercise for that? I suppose I could hang weights on my ears, but I suffer from eczema and my ears are very sensitive.
3. While I was passing a playground during my evening constitutional (a phrase, I'm happy to say, I lifted from Disney's delightful 101 Dalmatians), a group of school children implied that I was a homosexual gentleman! I would like to pick their brains as to how they know. Is there a test? Please remember I have sensitive ears.
4. Basketball.
5. Persistent insurance salesmen.
6. Persistent diarrhea.
7. Loss of important prescription medication.